Guilt and the grudge

Clare is really struggling with something. She is working through some friendship skills at a brisk pace, offering a sneak peek at the teenage years to come. Lawd help me.

It started a few weeks ago when she had a fight with her friend, Mac. She got mad at Mac when she divulged her hiding spot during hide and seek. She screamed and ran off and just lost it. Mac apologized, but she would not let it go. She didn't want her to leave, but she wouldn't forgive her, either. She was absolutely holding her hostage in her anger. It was so painful. It took days to unravel it all and several apology notes. She lost some trust with Mac, but not any love, thank goodness.

This led her to write an apology note to a classmate for accidentally knocking down his blocks. I thought it was classic overcompensation. So I let it go.

But today, I see we've gone another way. She and Mac were chasing each other and Clare tripped her by accident. Mac was screaming immediately. Thinking she had broken something, we ran to Mac immediately and took care of her. By the time the dust had settled, Clare was in a dark and tough place. She seemed shaken by the attention I'd given Mac (I am the keeper of the Mary Poppins purse that holds all things first aid). So realizing my error in not touching base with her, I went to talk to her. But all she would say to me was "It's my fault. I did it." She was crying and yelling and would not be held. Bless her. No amount of reassurance would convince her to let herself off the hook. She was treating herself the same way she'd treated Mac weeks ago. Then she refused to let Mac talk to her. She kept running away from her and making mean gestures. How horrible. Eventually I had to draw a firm boundary for her and tell her to stop. I gave her two more minutes to run it out and asked her to stop treating her friend that way when that time was up. She came around, but not until I firmly and clearly told her what to do. By that time, Mac was scared to approach her, worried to be emotionally wounded again. Slightly scarred.


Not all wounds can be covered by Hello Kitty. She was hurt today, too and she needs to heal. However, it's hard to know how to help her because her age keeps me from really being able to dig in with her in a way that I'm accustomed to. I'm praying a lot and hugging her a lot and talking when she's available (mentally). I know she's learning and I'm not worried about her, just stumped about how deep to go. I've always given her a ton of credit for being wise. Always assumed capability in her favor. But I don't know if it would be better to just teach her the golden rule and move on.
Le sigh.

Motherhood.